anxiety kills

I always start something and never finish. I post pictures and delete them. I second guess everything and doubt every decision I make. I spend hours looking in the mirror before I have any interaction with people. I am not only extremely self conscious but I am anxious.

How can you stay true to yourself when you don’t even know who you are? My twenties have been a major roller coaster. I’ve developed major anxiety which causes me to feel negatively about myself. Nothing I ever do is good enough for me, nothing I think, everything in my past seems wrong.

I feel like I’ve done everything wrong in life. Every turn has been wrong. When it really hasn’t. I keep feeling like I should have life figured out by now. I keep screaming to myself “YOU ARE ONLY 22”

And the negative persona that lives in my head responds: “With 2 kids” so yeah maybe I should have my life more together. But kids don’t care about all the petty stuff. They just want love and attention.

Why can’t I be that way? Satisfied with love. I always crave more.

It makes me so mad when I can’t make up my mind! When I can’t focus on anything productive.

I can’t even finish writing before I start second guessing what I just wrote.

Anxiety.

It kills.

It’s killing me.

It’s happening again. I feel lost. This time it is happening a lot slower. I can catch myself as I slowly lose it. Nothing makes sense. Everything that I thought I knew feels wrong. Everything is wrong.

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Labor or nah?

All day yesterday was spent with horrible back pain and cramping. But I hate hospitals, HATE! So instead I went to sleep, I slept horribly! Woke up and took a bath in some relaxing bath salts that are suppose to alleviate pain. It did, some.

But I know deep down in my gut that I am in labor. My C-section is scheduled for next Friday. WHY can’t this little guy stick it out so we can have everything prepared for him. Why must he be so stubborn and stuck on coming earlier than expected?

*Sigh*

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So instead of making my way over to the hospital, I am sipping on delicious hot chocolate with marshmallows, packing my hospital bags & writing this post.

You’d figure with this being my second go round at labor I’d know clear signs but this time around, I find that I hate wasting time and I also hate nurses hooking me up to a thousand monitors and pricking me for blood. I no longer feel like the hospital is a safe place.

a three year old and poop

Kenji in the shower
My toddler should be potty trained by now…. I know! But he does go in the toilet when I spend the day taking him and constantly asking, if he needs to go. But I’m pregnant & tired, with the little sleep I got last night, after breakfast I decided to take a nap while he played in the living room. Mistake number ONE!
I don’t know if I could have saved myself an hour of cleaning poop off the floor and his butt, but I’d like to think that if I was awake, the situation would have not escalated the way it did.
He is now immersed in a head to toe bubble bath, which smells exquisite, unlike his lovely poop.
And finding myself in this situation reminds me of all the other poop I’ve had to deal with in the last three years and it’s not pretty. I cringe at the thought that for another three years I will be dealing with these same exact scenarios of explosive diarrhea, poop leaking through a diaper and to the car seat, or picking up your peaceful baby to find yourself with poop all over your hands and on your clothes.
There is no escaping poop, because poop happens every day! You get lucky sometimes with a day free of poop, but be weary of the next day as it might just be worse!!